A Little Hot Tea Never Hurt Anyone

Or did it? (Btw, I’m hoping to build this into a series about the relative dangers of random shit I hear about out in the world, but I’m a busy person, so we’ll just have to see how it goes.)

The inaugural threat comes courtesy of a coffee-drinking friend who recently expressed concern that my tea habit* could lead to an early demise because of some new study linking hot tea and esophageal cancer. The warning was caveated with a recommendation that I check the specifics before making lifestyle adjustments, so I did just that and will now answer all your burning question on the subject.

Why is it just tea and not coffee?

Because the study only looked at tea drinkers, specifically people living in the Golestan Province in northeast Iran. The region’s high incidence of esophageal cancer makes it a convenient place to conduct such a study, but coffee drinking is not really a thing in Golestan, so tea was the focus. The authors cite previous literature supporting that consumption of overheated drinks of all stripes can mess with your esophageal tissue. So, while the results of this study are about tea, it’s a proxy for throat-scalding liquids in general. (It’s just that coffee drinkers easily gloss over the words “and other hot beverages.” Similar to how I regularly ignore the “1-2 glasses” part of articles about the potential health benefits of wine.)

Does this study tell us anything new?

That depends on your threshold for novelty. The authors proudly proclaim that theirs is the first such study to both “prospectively and objectively” measure tea-drinking temperature. “Prospectively” meaning they started with cancer-free subjects and followed them over a period of time (10 years, not too shabby) to see if cancer developed rather than asking people already diagnosed with cancer about their past tea drinking behavior (which is the quicker and easier but also more bias-ridden approach). “Objective” meaning that, in addition to gathering self-reported tea temperature preferences, researchers measured subjects’ tea with a thermometer.** Ultimately the goal is to bump the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) ranking for drinking beverages at or above 65 C from it’s current status of “probably carcinogenic” to the more confident “carcinogenic.”

What is the proper temperature to drink my morning cup of tea/coffee/hot buttered rum?

Probably safe to drink. Image: TheCulinaryGeek

The big finding in this study was that subjects who drank 700 ml or more of tea at temps of 60 C or hotter had a 90% increase in esophageal squamous cell carcinoma risk. (In headline language that’s “Drinking hot tea nearly doubles your risk of esophageal cancer!”). They didn’t break down the less-than-60 C category any further, so let’s just go with 59 C as the maximum allowable beverage temperature for anyone who cares about not dying.

700 ml is roughly two soda cans volume wise; and 59 C is about 138 F, which is still meaningless because who the hell knows the numeric temperature of their drinks? Well, thanks to the cheapest digital kitchen thermometer sold on Amazon, I now do and will share my wisdom. (Though you’ll still have to rely on my interpretation of the hopelessly subjective qualia of tea temperature desirability.) Below are the highly scientific results:

88.2 C – freshly poured (Really? The water was at a rolling boil and I don’t live at some weird altitude, but okay five-dollar thermometer.)

75.1 C – after five minutes of steeping, will burn your tongue if you take too big a sip

66.4 C – I added some creamer, drinkable but still a tad too warm

58.3 C – the perfect cup of tea

52.7 C – still decent

43.7 C – a bit cold, but not “I forgot I still had half a cup of tea left” cold

A 2008 paper, which I can only imagine was the most exciting and widely-covered research of its day, took a more mathematical approach to determining the optimal serving temperature for hot beverages (paper title: “Calculating the optimum temperature for serving hot beverages”). The authors’ goal was not to prevent cancer but rather to reduce ER visits for the service industry employees who assemble and deliver our hot beverages. Over the course of seven pages of formulas and graphs they concluded that 136 F (57.8 C) was the best bet for balancing consumer preference with the minimizing of third-degree burns.

Should I be concerned about all those cups of ≥60 C tea/coffee/mulled wine I already drank?

I’m not, and I’m pretty committed to hypochondria. The main reason is that esophageal cancer is relatively rare in the US, accounting for only 1% of cancer diagnoses (though I might feel differently if I lived in Iran, northern China, India, or southern Africa, where it’s far more common). Doubling the risk of a something is less impressive when the baseline risk is low. Moreover, things like tobacco and alcohol consumption seem to be bigger risk factors. So don’t beat yourself up about your misspent youth of hot tea drinking.

Moving forward, sure, allowing tea to cool slightly is an easy enough health intervention. But if drinking too hot beverages is the worst of your potentially disease-causing habits, I’d say you’re living a pretty wholesome life.

Are you sure it’s not just the tea itself that causes esophageal cancer?

Nothing in this world is certain. Everything and everyone has the capacity to deceive, disappoint and betray you. But in regards to this particular study, it’s hard to say. While they did also look at how much tea subjects consumed, most of the heavy tea drinkers were also the people who preferred their tea piping hot, so those variables are difficult to untangle. And due to a combination of my own laziness and the authors’ assurance that their study is methodologically superior to its predecessors, I’m opting not to dig too far into the archives on this one. There is mention of animal studies suggesting that certain compounds in hot beverages could be a contributing issue rather than just the temperature. So maybe plain hot water is the safest (and most affordable!) option. You’re welcome to give it a shot, but I’m going to stick with tea.

* I accidentally quit drinking coffee a few years back and now start my days with English Breakfast tea like some kind of commie weirdo pervert.

** The method was to make two cups of tea, one for the subject to sip and comment on and the other to be used simultaneously to take temperature readings. Science!


Title Image: Markus Kniebes

We're moving! (Important links below)

These are not my kitties, but aren't they cute? Image: mava

Big news! As of June 2012, Blogus scientificus has taken up residence at EarthSky, already home to my "Lifeform of the Week" posts (formerly "Species of the Month" here at B. scientificus). Same great product, but now with 50% fewer typos (disclaimer: estimate not based on actual data).

The debut post is already up, and you can see all my EarthSky posts whenever you like simply by clicking this LINK. Isn't modern living easy? And, as if that weren't amazing enough, you can also follow me on Twitter (allow a few days for me to figure out what exactly one does on Twitter.)

Earlier posts will remain at this location, and you can always browse the archive if you're feeling lonely or bored. In case you're especially resistant to change, I've preemptively placated you with the above cat photo. Aww.

Mycotoxicology smackdown: Death Cap Mushrooms vs. Milk Thistle

Images: Archenzo (L), and demott9 (R)

In the fall of 2011 four cases of death cap mushroom poisoning were successfully treated at Georgetown University Hospital (GUH) using a controversial remedy – an intravenously delivered chemical extracted from the milk thistle plant. Manufactured by the German pharmaceutical company Madaus (and sold under the somewhat ironic name Legalon), the drug has been available in Europe since the mid 1980s, but lacks FDA approval in the United States. Why are U.S. citizens being denied this wunder drug? Are we simply at the mercy of mushrooms? Can nothing be done?

As the Georgetown story unfolds, a few particularly striking points jump out. For one thing…

Poison control centers are very, very important.

When the first of the fungus-addled patients turned up at GUH – having eaten what he assumed were edible mushrooms picked from his yard – physicians quickly diagnosed him with amanitin poisoning. Amanitin, the principal toxin in the feared death cap mushroom, can be lethal. The ordeal begins with your standard food poisoning gastrointestinal woes, but can progress to organ failure, specifically in the liver and kidneys. In severe cases, organ transplants are required to save a patient’s life.

Having identified the problem, the medical team’s next move was to phone poison control. That’s right, the same people you would call if you found your child taking swigs from a bottle of laundry detergent. Poison control put the doctors in touch with Santa Cruz physician Dr. Todd Mitchell, who was conducting clinical trials of IV milk thistle (also called silibinin).

So if you’ve ever dismissed concerns about government funding cuts to poison control centers with a glib, “Ppfff, we don’t need those things, we’ve got emergency rooms” then you might want to rethink your stance. Poison control doesn’t just handle calls from panicked civilians, they also advise health care professionals tasked with treating panicked civilians.

But let’s get back to the story. Contacting Dr. Mitchell was far from the last step in the GUH patient’s road to recovery, because as it turns out…

Using non-approved drugs in the U.S. is NOT easy

The FDA allows experimental drugs to be tested if there is an established protocol and review board approval, such as in Dr. Mitchell’s clinical trial. This doesn’t mean that every other hospital out there can also start doling out these drugs. Luckily, the FDA does permit emergency one-time use of an Investigational New Drug (IND), which allowed the Georgetown team to procure and administer silibinin to their patient.

Mitchell himself went through the emergency IND process twice, first in 2007 and then again in 2009, to treat several mycotoxin-sickened patients (the first case was an entire family of six), before finally managing to set up his clinical trial, sponsored by Madaus.

It having been an unusually rainy season in the DC area, the Georgetown doctors got to work immediately writing up their protocol for any potential future poisonings. Still, an emergency meeting of the approval committee had to be called when a second patient materialized before everything was in place, soon to be followed by patients three and four. In the end, all four received the coveted silibinin and recovered without major complications (or liver transplants) and GUH is now an approved referral center for the drug.

So why isn’t every hospital in the country running silibinin trials? What are we waiting for? Well, mushroom poisoning isn’t especially common in U.S. While Europeans have a long tradition of strolling through the woods patrolling for tasty fungi, most Americans are content to buy their mushrooms at the store. According to the journal Nature Medicine, only about 50 cases of amanitin poisoning crop up in the U.S. annually, which isn’t enough to motivate hospitals to plan ahead on the off chance that one these unfortunate victims walks into their ER. But while we’re on the subject of clinical trials…

Does anyone know if this stuff actually works?

With all the hustling for silibinin going on, there must be some pretty strong evidence of its efficacy against amanitin poisoning, right? Well… not entirely. The anecdotal tales are certainly impressive. Patients on the brink of liver failure have reportedly perked up soon after the IV treatment began. But in the world of science, anecdotes aren’t worth much (unless they’re anecdotes about the insane lives of famous scientists, which, of course, are pure gold). The small number of people turning up with these maladies limits the scope of any trial, and denying available treatment to a control group is, well, kinda unethical.

Additionally, even in the absence of IV milk thistle, patients do receive some treatment for death cap poisoning – including intense hydration, penicillin, and activated charcoal (don’t worry, silibinin patients can get these too, it’s not an either/or deal.) and many of them survive. It’s thus difficult to determine what portion of any success story can be attributed solely to milk thistle. Silibinin supposedly works by blocking absorption of the poison by liver cells. It has also been tested against non-mushroom-related liver issues, but the data thus far are underwhelming.

Perhaps Mitchell’s trial will shed some light (it’s scheduled to wrap in late 2012), but in the meantime we can at least acknowledge that milk thistle doesn’t seem to be making anyone sicker (which is more than can be said for penicillin, which gives me hives and triggers anaphylactic shock in certain unluckier individuals.) And finally...

Are mushrooms a recipe for disaster?

Given that wild mushrooms are so potentially lethal, it seems reasonable to suggest that we leave their harvesting to the pros. But what fun would that be? My mother (who grew up in Russia, so it may be inaccurate to call her an amateur) has been picking and cooking mushrooms for decades with no reported fatalities. I’ve had them, and they’re thoroughly delicious. (Though I did spend a wee bit more time contemplating my mortality during that meal than I normally I do.)

Roughly 100 species of poisonous mushrooms reside in the U.S. (out of a total of 5,000 species), so if you’re going to try your hand at the art of mushroom hunting, please do some research first. And also note that taste and smell are not indicators of whether you’ve picked an edible mushroom or a toxic toadstool. In fact, the death cap is said to be rather tasty. As aptly summarized in this Croatian proverb, “All mushrooms are edible; but some only once.”

Sore muscles? Don’t blame lactic acid.

Image Credit: mrflip

With Tim Burton’s film adaptation of Dark Shadows* currently in theaters, it seems fitting to begin this post with a classic trope from vampire comedy, “I just flew in from Transylvania…and boy are my arms tired!” Get it? Arms? Oh, never mind. For me it’s presently more the legs anyway. And it’s not so much fatigue as an excruciating soreness and stiffness of the muscles. An unsolicited preview of old age. Superficially, my suffering was created by an activity called “yard work”, which I discovered only recently and which resulted in several hours crawling around on the ground obsessively uprooting every weed in the vicinity, all in a configuration to which my limbs were apparently unaccustomed.

But what is the actual physiological cause of such aches? If you’d asked me this question a week ago, I would have answered that lactic acid was the culprit, thus making myself look like an imbecile. In case you’re laboring under similar misconceptions, let’s remedy this before any of us has the opportunity to embarrass ourselves in public.

Somewhere along the line many of us learned that lactic acid builds up in the muscles during strenuous exercise and that this causes muscle aches. The basic idea is that lactate (the predecessor of lactic acid) is a byproduct of anaerobic respiration, which is the kind of cellular metabolism that occurs when you’re pushing yourself hard enough to run out of oxygen (on a cellular level, that is, if you’re actually hyperventilating that’s a separate issue). But while lactic acid may be to blame for immediate pain, the proverbial “burn” felt during an extreme workout, it’s long gone from your system by the time the real muscle soreness sets in. This second wave pain typically shows up the next day, reaching the apex of ouch somewhere between 24 and 72 hours after you overdid it at the gym.

The phenomenon is well documented enough to be christened with the badass acronym DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness), and it doles out pain as efficiently as its leather-clad namesakes. Science is still working to get a handle on what exactly is transpiring on a molecular level, but the most popular explanation is that DOMS is caused by damage to muscle cells. Sort of like when you sprain your ankle, except instead of one big injury you’re incurring a slew of teeny tiny injuries. As with any other injury, this triggers an inflammatory response, in which your body sends various repair-performing metabolites to the site of the problem, creating a sea of swelling, stiffness and soreness in the process.

DOMS occurs when a person is using their muscles in a way that somehow deviates from the normal routine, either by engaging muscles that typically don’t see much action (as with painting a ceiling or moving a lot of unwieldy boxes) or by ramping up the intensity of one’s existing exercise regimen (i.e., being a competitive jackass in the weight room). But you probably already noticed this trend from personal experience. What you may not be aware of is that some types of muscle movements are more likely to cause DOMS than others. So-called “eccentric” muscle contractions make for the most aches. Eccentric contractions are those in which an elongated muscle braces against an opposing force. This is the converse of concentric contractions, in which shortening of muscles does the work. Imagine that the arm protruding from that building in the photograph suddenly came to life. If it continued curling that weight toward the roof, its biceps muscle would shorten (concentric contraction), but if it lowered the weight toward the sidewalk (in a controlled way, without dropping it on pedestrians), its biceps would elongate (eccentric contraction).^† Running downhill is a form of exercise notably rife with eccentric contractions.

The amount of lactic acid produced during the activity does not predict the severity of DOMS, so just because you aren’t in pain while in the midst of novel physical exertion, don’t assume that you won’t feel crappy the next day. The best way to avoid the late-blooming agony of DOMS is to make only incremental increases in muscle usage, allowing your body to acclimate to new demands before pushing onward. (Pretty useless advice if your main sources of soreness are all-or-nothing activity binges that you’re unlikely to repeat… weeding a lawn, for instance.)

In any event, lactic acid is the least of your problems. In fact, the human body can even use it as an energy source, at least according to this New York Times article, which explains how certain methods of exercise condition the body to use lactic acid more efficiently. Apparently, if you train like a professional athlete, you can grow massive mitochondria that suck up lactic acid like it's Gatorade, while other folks’ cells are just sitting there gasping for breath. You’ll be the envy of the marathon. Though you might still want to avoid running downhill.

* I haven’t seen it. I probably won’t see it. And I don’t need to know any additional details. Just let me have my fantasy that Tim Burton actually managed to successfully adapt one of my favorite TV shows.

^† A note on muscle motion: muscles only actively shorten, the lengthening is passive. When the biceps elongates, it’s due to the shortening of a complementary muscle (the triceps). So you always have both shortening and elongation happening simultaneously. But the important factor is which of the muscles is under tension. This may be one case where feeling beats thinking in terms of comprehension. Grab something heavy, then raise and lower it a few times and note which muscles feel most engaged. See what I mean?

There's more than one way to make a blond

Image Credit: deanwissing.

Typically, if you want a look that combines dark skin with light hair there are two options. Depending on your starting point, you can either brighten your hair with chemicals like Beyoncé, or darken your skin with UV radiation à la New Jersey’s “tanning mom”. Yet on the South Pacific nation of the Solomon Islands, 5-10% of the population is just born that way. And now, a group of researchers believe they have traced the genetic cause of this unexpected blondness. And, well, big deal, because we’ve known for ages that hair color was genetically determined. Eye color too. It’s in our biology textbooks even. Nice going, science. But wait, it’s actually more interesting than you might think. It turns out that the Solomon Island blond results from a different, and simpler, genetic variation than the more familiar European brand of blond. This means that fair hair evolved separately at least two times in human history.

Prior to this recent study, which appeared in the latest issue of Science, the golden-haired inhabitants of the Pacific Islands had been the cause of much speculation. Perhaps their blondness resulted from some environment factor, such as diet or sun exposure. Or maybe fair hair was simply imported to the region by European visitors. To solve the mystery, scientists from several universities (including Stanford, located in blond-friendly California) scrutinized DNA samples from 43 blond and 42 dark haired Solomon Islanders. They found that the blonds did indeed have something different in their genes – a single nucleotide missense* mutation on an allele associated with pigmentation. Basically, there was a T (Thymine) where normally there would be C (Cytosine). Further genotyping of 918 Solomon Islanders and 941 individuals from elsewhere around the globe revealed that about 26% of the Solomon Islands population carried such an altered allele, but that it was essentially absent outside of the South Pacific, including European nations.

The findings suggest that South Pacific blondness is produced by a discrete recessive gene. It’s classic Mendelian genetics: individual carrying two mutated recessive alleles (TT) will be blond, whereas those with two standard issue alleles (CC) or a mixed set (CT) will be dark haired. European hair pigmentation, on the other hand, is determined by a bunch of different genes, yielding a variety of shades like platinum blond, golden blond and dirty blond. (Or “iced champagne”, “golden sunset” and the like, if you’re browsing the hair dye aisle.)

Globally, blond hair in adults is rare, and it tends to pair with fair skin. The Solomon Islands study indicates that human evolution has generated this hair pigmentation at least twice now, and seemingly under rather different environmental conditions. Whether the flaxen-haired phenotype confers any benefits on South Pacific individuals is unknown. It seems that light hair might help keep one’s head cool in hot, sunny regions. But then you also have to hear dumb blond jokes all day. Probably it just about evens out.

* DNA single nucleotide mutations (aka point mutations) come in a few flavors. Missense mutations result in a different amino acid being produced (think accidentally typing “tap” when you meant “cap”, it’s still a word), whereas nonsense mutations produce gibberish that shuts down the amino acid making process (more like “ctp” instead of “cap”, spell check does not approve). There’s also something called a silent mutation, which just results in the originally scheduled amino acid, but you don’t need to worry about those for today.

List-server: 5 reasons to go vegan for a year

Yep, I’m doing lists now. Why? Because it has come to my attention that humans find lists irresistible. Actually, I noticed this phenomenon some time ago whilst compulsively purchasing yet another periodical offering “The 20 Best British Singles from 1974 with the word ‘blue’ in the chorus” (or something similarly useful.) But it only recently occurred to me to incorporate the format into this blog. Lists are fun, and they help us remember which items we need to purchase at Home Depot. Trust me, you don’t want to have to go back there a second time. So are you ready to discuss veganism with the aid of numeric headers? Let’s do it then…

This past week’s New York Times Science section kicked off with a front-page article about the hardships of espousing a vegan diet. With the best intentions I’m sure, the author sympathetically cataloged the “social, physical and economic challenges” of veganism, exaggerating the difficulties while underemphasizing the many benefits. Having myself spent a couple years living la vida vegan, I can tell you that it’s not so damn hard. (And my stint sans animal products occurred in the 1990’s, when products like coconut milk creamer had yet to be invented. Nowadays, it should be an Almond Breeze by comparison.) While no longer a vegan for reasons we’ll get to a bit later, I consider myself better off for having tried it. Here are a few of the potential perks awaiting those willing to temporarily part ways with cheese and eggs.

1) You’ll learn what’s in your food

While meat is relatively easy to spot, other animal products, like butter and eggs, can sneak into food unnoticed. Thus, being a vegan means mastering the art of reading food labels. Ingredients lists, particularly on processed foods, often read like chemistry lab manuals, so their comprehension necessitates doing some research. You’ll ask important questions like, “What the hell is casein?” (It’s a milk-derived protein used to make cheese, including many soy cheeses. Not vegan.) And, “What the hell is xanthan gum?” (It’s a polysaccharide used as a thickening agent. Vegan) Eventually, you may even ask, “Why is there so much weird, unpronounceable crap in my food?”

Along the way you’ll discover other interesting details. A simple can of beans or jar of peanut butter can contain added sugar. Something as seemingly benign as hummus can harbor flavor enhancers. Who knew? Reading labels cultivates a healthy sense of outrage about the volume of superfluous nonsense added to the things we eat daily. Ultimately, this might make you opt for less synthetic purchases, leaving more room on your plate for real food.

2) You’ll cook more often, and more interesting dishes

When I began college I was a lousy cook. The most complex meals I prepared involved boiling a box of pasta or rice and tearing open the accompanying “seasoning packet.” On less ambitious days, I’d open a can of soup, throw some grated cheese on it, and heat and serve. But once cheese was off limits, canned soup tasted pretty bland and I was forced to learn to cook for real.

With many restaurants offering lackluster vegan options and processed foods often containing animal ingredients (“ugh, whey powder, I can’t use this”), the logical reaction is to cook more from scratch, using easy to manage items like vegetables, grains, beans and maybe even tofu once you pass the beginner stage. In doing so, one quickly discovers that beans and tofu don’t have a ton of flavor on their own. Thus the next step in vegan cooking is learning how to use spices. As a vegan, I acquired cumin and coriander and their ilk. I learned to make curries and peanut sauces. (Which, btw, are excellent options even for those who re-incorporate animal products into their diet.)

A lot of people approach veganism by trying to replicate their favorite animal-based foods. But the best vegan foods are alternatives rather than mere substitutes. They’re things that were vegan all along. Pseudo meat-textured veggie burgers don’t taste like beef and vegan cheese doesn’t melt. But falafel and tahini dressing are delicious and surprisingly easy to make.

3) You’ll save money

The Science Times piece makes several mentions of the financial strains imposed by a vegan diet. For instance, “…vegan specialty and convenience foods can cost two to three times what their meat and dairy equivalents do.”  But “convenience foods” are processed or pre-fab foods, which shouldn’t be the bulk of anyone’s diet. Fresh produce is expensive only when compared to fast food burritos and Walmart frozen pizza.

If you look at the raw ingredients used to make vegan and non-vegan meals, the opposite pattern emerges. At my local grocery store, a 1 lb bag of a 100% vegan carrots sells for about a buck (give or take depending on whether or not you opt for the organic ones). Meat and cheese, on the other hand, can be pricey. And even the lower quality versions of animal products are still more expensive than dried beans. I mean, check out this recipe for dahl. Main ingredient: lentils. It doesn’t get much cheaper than that.* Here’s another one for middle eastern chick pea stew (pro tip: throw in some green vegetables and raisins for extra awesomeness.) You’re welcome. Those hard-to-find “vegan specialties foods” are hardly essentially to good vegan cooking. † But if you’re longing for the novelty of seitan (it is great for stir-fries) but you live in the sticks, you can always make it yourself.

If a switching to a vegan diet is driving you into debt, it’s probably an indication that there’s too much junk food in your life.

4) You’ll be thinner and healthier

In case you haven’t heard, America (along with much of the developed world) has a colossal weight problem, and with it a slew of obesity-related ailments. Also old news are the many studies finding correlations between plant based diets and lower body mass index (BMI), as well as lower LDL cholesterol levels (that’s the bad kind), lower risk of heart disease and type 2 diabetes, and lower overall cancer rates. If you don’t believe me, have a look at this American Dietetic Association (ADA) paper about vegan and vegetarian diets. In addition to pointing out the above-mentioned benefits, they conclude that such diets, when properly planned, “are appropriate for individuals during all stages of the life cycle, including pregnancy, lactation, infancy, childhood, and adolescence, and for athletes.” Yes, you read that correctly, even pregnant women and athletes can be vegans without keeling over from anemia.

However, it’s important to note that the ADA also claims that there is no sufficiently bioavailable plant source of vitamin B-12. So total vegans need to obtain this nutrient through a supplement or in B-12 fortified foods (fortified cereals, for instance). There seems to be a bit of debate over this, with some folks still insisting that dark green vegetables, or at least seaweed can provide enough B-12. Personally, I would (and did) play it safe by taking a B supplement. ‡

5) You’ll change the way you think about food

Despite nixing the strict vegan diet ages ago, I still eat mostly plant-based foods. Having animal products off limits for a spell taught me to view them more as garnishes than necessities. Remember, meat and cheese and the like aren’t just rough on your body, they also require more resources to farm than do plants. Given the environmental impact of animal products, using them in moderation is advisable. This handy graphic from Environmental Working Group (EWG), which visualizes the carbon footprint of various protein sources by comparing them to miles driven in a car, may help put things in perspective. Note that cheese is even higher up on the shit list than pork or chicken.

So if being a vegan is freaking fabulous, why did I ever stop? Mostly, it was the “social” component of the Times’ triad of terrors. It’s enough of a pain telling friends who invite you to dinner that you don’t eat meat. Explaining that you also don’t eat eggs, butter, milk, cheese, sour cream, yogurt, and pretty much everything else they were planning to serve can easily disqualify you from future invites. It’s not ideal for travel either. While I somehow successfully navigated both the Scottish Highlands and parts of Eastern Europe as a vegan, it was rough going at times. Basically, humanity eats a boat load of animal products, so unless you have a strong moral objection to their consumption, the “When in Rome” approach gives you a lot more flexibility. Plus the occasional dash of feta cheese or fresh mozzarella is a fine, if non-essential, addition to the menu. Though I do sometimes wish I still had an easy excuse to avoid queso. §

Perhaps you’ve already five for five on the above qualities. Not everyone needs a major dietary upheaval to learn to cook decent meals. I always suspected that my readership was composed of an elite group of health and environment conscious individuals with well-stocked spice racks. But do realize that you’re in the minority, and consider suggesting an animal product sabbatical for any of your less fortunate friends, relatives and coworkers.

* Some people will argue that all these spices are expensive. But you don’t have to buy them every time you cook. Once you assemble a starter set of seasonings, you’re good for a while. Also, if you do live somewhere with a health food store or a well-stocked supermarket, check to see if they sell spices in the bulk food section. Bulk spices are insanely cheap.

† One poor soul quoted in the Times, a resident in the tiny town of Phoenix, Arizona (population 1.5 million), complained of having to drive 20 miles to obtain such delicacies.

‡ You, wise reader, are probably asking, “Wait, if there’s no plant source of B-12, then where the hell do these vitamin pills come from?” That occurred to me too. (Great minds think alike.) It turns out B-12 is made through bacterial fermentation.

§ For those unfamiliar with this item, queso – short for chile con queso – is a Tex-Mex chip-dipping favorite consisting of melted cheese and chile peppers. If you happen to express an aversion to the stuff, someone will immediately argue that you just haven’t tried the “good queso” and attempt to introduce you to this superior product at the next opportunity. From what I’ve experienced, there is no good queso. It’s just a bad idea. Order the salsa instead.